The Heart of a Broken Man Part 1

The Heart of a Broken Man 

 

Never in a million years did I, me, the family man who loved his wife and his family expected to find myself questioning my existence.  

What started as a joyful bike ride in April 2015 that led me to one of my favorite beauty spots nearly ended in tragedy?  

I had always appeared to others a strong individual and normally could manage life’s little curve balls however a combination of events proved to test my human capabilities to the limit.  

Since November 2010 I had been suffering from severe tinnitus a symptom from acoustic shock caused by an industrial accident when I was exposed to an acoustic blast from an electrical circuit breaker.  

The screaming banshees and associated sounds taunted me and haunted me. 

They were relentless and were with me constantly twenty four seven. 

Day and night a man tormented and suffering to come to terms and to accept the condition. 

It took me to 2016 to really start to manage the condition in which by this time I had started to help others.  

As I explained to other suffers, tinnitus is invisible if I had lost a leg people would understand the anxiety and depression that would go with that disability. 

My life changed in 2015 when at the time I was facing redundancy, I suspected my wife was having an affair, my father had cancer and combined with the tinnitus my mind became overloaded and fueled with anxiety, depression, I questioned my existence.  

In regards to the tinnitus I had always explained to my consultant that I was worried when asked how I was coping. 

I explained that I was afraid that I felt that I was on a slide and now and again I would slip and slide down.  

Somehow I would manage to stop my decent by grabbing the sides of the slide. 

If possible I would be able to drag and wiggle my way back up the slide. 

Outer Rim

Outer Rim 

A smile on a face to disguise the pain,
Darkness bearing down,
In silence one remains,
A tongue tied individual who has lost his way,
In a toxic environment every day,
Isolated from the ones he still loves,
As they grow,
Harboring his pain,
To protect them from his heart ache that still remains,
Perhaps one day they will know,
The sacrifices made as he walked away,
Heart ache in the Valley of Life,
Mother Nature put to the test, 
For a lost soul must learn to dance again in the rain,
Watching from a distance at the outer rim,
Wishing he could join in.

Eternal Love

Eternal Love 

Large and white proud is he,
Powerful in his wings,
Royal and loyal he is to his beautiful Queen,
Gliding together,
Grateful by her side,
Where she goes he will follow,
Union forged by true loves kiss,
He loves her more to day then yesterday,
He will love her more tomorrow then today,
For where she glides he will follow,
                                        Union forged,
                                        Sole mates they are,
                                        Eternal love to be envied by others,
                                        For she is his Queen,
                                        He’s her King,
                                        Together they dance,
                                        Gliding on the water,
                                        The loving look,
                                        The loving peck,
                                        The graceful bending of the neck,
                                        Dipping left, Dipping right,
                                        Holding heads up high,
                                        Slowly, Slowly,
                                        Heads descend until eyes meet,
                                        A sign of love is forged in love that will never be broken,
                                        For where she glides he will always follow,
                                        Grateful by her side.

Recall

                                  Some times you have to look back to see how far you have come.
                                  As a close friend reminded me the view is always better at the top.

Listen

Listen 

Listen to me,
Can you hear? 
Hear me,
I am talking to you,
I need to get through,
Listen,
Hear what I am saying to you,
Quietly whispering,
Telling you,
How I feel,
I cannot lie,
Words are honest,
Words are true,
I sincerely hope that they are getting through,
Through to you,
Naked and bare I stand in front of you,
Look in my eyes,
You will see what you truly mean to me, 
Listen and believe in what we can be,
Listen,
Just listen,
Listen to me.

Tale of Sadness

Tale of Sadness 

Sorrow running through my veins,
I need to a way to control the pain,
Hurting to the core,
You don’t love me anymore,
Expecting what was has been and gone,
Not quite sure what went wrong,
Hard to understand now where I belong,
Crimson eyes behind the tides,
As I try and analysis,
What to do,
What to say, 
Do I stay to face the pain?
Or do I just run away,
A decision for another day,
Learning to face the facts,
Managing to stay intact,
Today.

Detachment

Detachment 

Wedding bells turned to rust,
In council I must trust,
To set you free,
Free from me,
As you asked to be,
Life goes on so they say,
I’ll save that quote for another day,
Sad I feel the end has started,
For I truly know you have departed, I don’t hate you,
Hurt I feel,
For the way you have treated me,
Right or wrong it matters not,
What is meant to be will be,
I hope you are happy with your choice,
After all it is your life,
No longer will you be my wife,
All the best,
As you go on your way,
Don’t look back,
Don’t you care?
You will find I want be there,
Going forward is where I am heading, 
To live my life after this lesson.