Chapters End

Chapters End 

 

Chapters end is hard to write as I lay here late at night, 

The sad songs don’t hurt so much, 

Listening to them in the dark of the night, 

The endless tears stop to flow, 

Now I know I have to let you go, 

I love you, 

You know that though, 

But it is time to let you go, 

Set free from me, 

That is what you have asked to be, 

To live your life not as my wife, 

Separate as one can be, 

Moving on excepting fate of what’s to come, 

Accept what is, 

Let go of what was, 

Have faith in what will be, 

Hour by hour, 

Day by day, 

Moving forward slowly, 

Closing a chapter, 

Without closure if you know what I mean, 

Can’t fix what is broken unless it is meant to be.   

 

 

Tears

Tears  

A billion rain drops fall from the sky,
The same number that fall from my eyes,
Crimson eyes behind the tides,
As streams form as they flow,
Grey days herald their call as rain drops start to fall,
Days of drizzle as I weep,
Thunder,
Lightening as we speak,
A deluge now around my feet.

Rivers Lesson

Rivers Lesson  

 

I learned my lessons well, 

As I lived in pain, 

Through life’s little game, 

As the rivers flowed from their source, 

From my eyes again, 

Raging torrents flowing free, 

Waterfalls to my feet, 

Unable to stem the flow, 

As my eyes continued to weep, 

Through crimson eyes I viewed your lies, 

To come to terms with your deceit, 

You brought me to my knees.   

Demons

Demons 

 

Standing, sitting, lying down, even when I sleep, 

Tormented by the Demons with the noises they make, 

Hissing, whistling, ringing, screaming and buzzing, continuously within deep, 

Endlessly repeating week after week, 

Louder and louder they torment until they decide to play hide and seek. 

Whispering within deep,  

Pretending to be asleep, 

Back with a vengeance to torment me, 

Day and night,  

Week by week, 

Awakening me from my sleep, 

Slowly into despair I go, 

Tormented, Out of reach, 

Deafened by the noise, 

Sometimes I cannot here people speak, 

Isolated and alone feeling week, 

Invisible to others the illness is, 

No injuries no scars visible to see,  

Alone but for my torment,  

Frustrating me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Fall

The Fall 

 

Slowly, slowly down I slide to the pool I despise, 

I reach out to break my fall, 

Fighting the Demons that haunt me, 

Pushing, pushing willing me in, 

Lost souls wait for me within, 

I am not that strong, 

I am weak, I lost my grip, 

In I fall, frantic, cannot breathe, 

Struggling, grasping, seeking, 

Searching for a foothold to save me, 

Save me from the souls that lovingly caress me, 

Down and down into the deep I sink, 

Given up, down I go, out of reach, 

Another emotional suicide too weak to speak,  

Too proud to be deemed weak, 

Down and down I go, I sink, 

Peaceful and calm I drift, carried by the current, 

Caressed by others, 

Drowning, drowning free to go, 

Haunted no more, I think, I blink not been here before, 

Beating, beating in my chest it’s not my time to let go yet, 

Swimming hard and fast I break the surface and gasp, breathing deep, 

Demons pulling, I lash out, 

Grabbing, grabbing get me out, 

Screaming shouting all about, 

Ray of hope I reach out and grabbed the edge that I felt, I got out, 

Sitting and starring in, 

Contemplating my fate of where I had just been,  

Time to face the facts, 

Time to react, 

Time to talk, 

Sitting on the edge and starring in. 

 

 

The Heart of a Broken Man Part 3

It was not my imagination had my guardian angels protected me. Why was I worthy to be saved?  

Why me? From that day I regularly attend the church and they have supported me and provided valuable council. 

From many sitting positions around the bay I sit and look at the cliff and wonder. 

I am now divorced from my wife after my suspicions were confirmed. I was made redundant and changed my career at the age of 50 years. 

Sadly life threw a few more curve balls in my direction in which I have had to accept and adapt to. Firstly I detached my bicep in which after an operation the recovery was very lengthy.  Secondly the trauma of the divorce took its toll and I suffered a massive heart attack due to stress and hypertension.  Why me? 

Why not I don’t consider myself special but here I am a survivor.   

Through the events of my life I had to find a way of calming my mind and writing and drawing became an aid to assisting me in capturing my feelings. 

It is hard to come to terms with being in love with a person to find out that she has betrayed you without any real justification. Nineteen years cannot be forgotten and when children are involved it is even harder. To divorce the woman I loved was the most painful emotional experience that broke my heart.  

Where there is an action there is a reaction and in the end I could not bear to be in her presence or even be able to communicate with her.  

Some of my writings capture my feelings from my experience of the tinnitus and my emotions through the divorce and the process of healing.  

I have learned through my experiences that the body and mind can be broken but the soul and spirit of a man can survive and learn to start again from a new beginning. Two of the most powerful words that mean a lot to me are Faith and Hope.  

I do believe in paths and crossroads and in my writings I occasional mention them. The writings are a true reflection of where I was at certain emotional periods suffering the highs and the lows with depression and anxiety dealing with how a man’s life can change due to the action of another human being.  

Please enjoy my writings with an open mind and if they help you then this record of my story has been beneficial. 

 

 

The Heart of a Broken Man Part 2

The Heart of a Broken Man 

Sometimes I did not have the energy and would stay where I had stopped. 

Asked what I feared I openly told him the pool of despair that awaited me. 

Potentially I could plunge deep into the pool and be lost.  

Depression and anxiety come hand in hand and I like many humans I was in that rut. 

The negative attitude fueled by the tinnitus was wearing me down. 

The beliefs and the consequences of the cycle were too strong.   

There is a lot of debate associated with a human who thinks about suicide and a person who commits suicide for reasons that are very personal to that individual who is in that state of mind at the time. Respectfully I will not get involved in that debate for this attempt was associated with my life. 

As I sat admiring the view from the cliff top on my favorite bench on that Good Friday thinking things over and trying to analyse and in my own mind trying to understand what was happening to my life, it was like a switch being turned on and in a split second I was up and headed towards the cliff edge with at that moment in time my feet going over. 

To this day I cannot really understand or explain how I failed to go over the edge. 

A force hit me hard in my chest and I was thrown back onto the ground. 

Scrambling back I came back to the bench were I had previously been sat. 

A few individuals came to my aid in which I assured them that I was OK and asked for some privacy, I was embarrassed and very emotionally upset.  

I quickly got on my bike and left as you can imagine with a lot on my mind. 

How I ended up in the church where I got married was not planned but there I was looking up at a stained glass window of Jesus surround by lambs.  

Was I a religious person, not at the time, yet here I was sat crying in pew wondering what divine force had thrown me back from the edge.