Labyrinth

Labyrinth 

 

Listen you can hear the pain echoing within my mind, 

Trying to escape the labyrinth within, 

Trying to smile again, 

A tortured soul, 

Caged within, 

Rainy days I know them well, 

That’s how the story goes, 

Rivers flow as I question why, 

On these dark miserable days, 

Turning left, 

Turning right, 

Going on straight ahead, 

Dead ends there, 

My mind going into despair, 

Searching for a guiding light, 

To guide me from my plight, 

To help me escape this labyrinth, 

Restricting me with my life, 

Silence in my darkness, 

As I struggle to hear a sound, 

Hoping to hear the footsteps, 

Of a lost soul in this maze, 

Hoping that they have found and exit, 

An easier path to follow, 

Hopefully I will find that path, 

Hopefully it will be tomorrow… 

 

 

Broken

Broken 

 

World in two, 

Not sure what to do, 

Frightened and insecure, 

I don’t want to lose you, 

Understanding where we are, 

Coming to terms with what has occurred, 

Burnt and scared, Broken hearted, 

I still yearn, 

So great is my love for you, 

Grant me time, 

No limits have been set, 

Day by day, 

Take it slow, 

Get to know, 

Without regret, 

What we have is so valuable, 

I will show, 

We can repair what has been broken, 

You have to be prepared to give it a go. 

 

 

Demons

Demons 

 

Standing, sitting, lying down, even when I sleep, 

Tormented by the Demons with the noises they make, 

Hissing, whistling, ringing, screaming and buzzing, continuously within deep, 

Endlessly repeating week after week, 

Louder and louder they torment until they decide to play hide and seek. 

Whispering within deep,  

Pretending to be asleep, 

Back with a vengeance to torment me, 

Day and night,  

Week by week, 

Awakening me from my sleep, 

Slowly into despair I go, 

Tormented, Out of reach, 

Deafened by the noise, 

Sometimes I cannot here people speak, 

Isolated and alone feeling week, 

Invisible to others the illness is, 

No injuries no scars visible to see,  

Alone but for my torment,  

Frustrating me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Heart of a Broken Man Part 3

It was not my imagination had my guardian angels protected me. Why was I worthy to be saved?  

Why me? From that day I regularly attend the church and they have supported me and provided valuable council. 

From many sitting positions around the bay I sit and look at the cliff and wonder. 

I am now divorced from my wife after my suspicions were confirmed. I was made redundant and changed my career at the age of 50 years. 

Sadly life threw a few more curve balls in my direction in which I have had to accept and adapt to. Firstly I detached my bicep in which after an operation the recovery was very lengthy.  Secondly the trauma of the divorce took its toll and I suffered a massive heart attack due to stress and hypertension.  Why me? 

Why not I don’t consider myself special but here I am a survivor.   

Through the events of my life I had to find a way of calming my mind and writing and drawing became an aid to assisting me in capturing my feelings. 

It is hard to come to terms with being in love with a person to find out that she has betrayed you without any real justification. Nineteen years cannot be forgotten and when children are involved it is even harder. To divorce the woman I loved was the most painful emotional experience that broke my heart.  

Where there is an action there is a reaction and in the end I could not bear to be in her presence or even be able to communicate with her.  

Some of my writings capture my feelings from my experience of the tinnitus and my emotions through the divorce and the process of healing.  

I have learned through my experiences that the body and mind can be broken but the soul and spirit of a man can survive and learn to start again from a new beginning. Two of the most powerful words that mean a lot to me are Faith and Hope.  

I do believe in paths and crossroads and in my writings I occasional mention them. The writings are a true reflection of where I was at certain emotional periods suffering the highs and the lows with depression and anxiety dealing with how a man’s life can change due to the action of another human being.  

Please enjoy my writings with an open mind and if they help you then this record of my story has been beneficial. 

 

 

The Heart of a Broken Man Part 2

The Heart of a Broken Man 

Sometimes I did not have the energy and would stay where I had stopped. 

Asked what I feared I openly told him the pool of despair that awaited me. 

Potentially I could plunge deep into the pool and be lost.  

Depression and anxiety come hand in hand and I like many humans I was in that rut. 

The negative attitude fueled by the tinnitus was wearing me down. 

The beliefs and the consequences of the cycle were too strong.   

There is a lot of debate associated with a human who thinks about suicide and a person who commits suicide for reasons that are very personal to that individual who is in that state of mind at the time. Respectfully I will not get involved in that debate for this attempt was associated with my life. 

As I sat admiring the view from the cliff top on my favorite bench on that Good Friday thinking things over and trying to analyse and in my own mind trying to understand what was happening to my life, it was like a switch being turned on and in a split second I was up and headed towards the cliff edge with at that moment in time my feet going over. 

To this day I cannot really understand or explain how I failed to go over the edge. 

A force hit me hard in my chest and I was thrown back onto the ground. 

Scrambling back I came back to the bench were I had previously been sat. 

A few individuals came to my aid in which I assured them that I was OK and asked for some privacy, I was embarrassed and very emotionally upset.  

I quickly got on my bike and left as you can imagine with a lot on my mind. 

How I ended up in the church where I got married was not planned but there I was looking up at a stained glass window of Jesus surround by lambs.  

Was I a religious person, not at the time, yet here I was sat crying in pew wondering what divine force had thrown me back from the edge. 

The Heart of a Broken Man Part 1

The Heart of a Broken Man 

 

Never in a million years did I, me, the family man who loved his wife and his family expected to find myself questioning my existence.  

What started as a joyful bike ride in April 2015 that led me to one of my favorite beauty spots nearly ended in tragedy?  

I had always appeared to others a strong individual and normally could manage life’s little curve balls however a combination of events proved to test my human capabilities to the limit.  

Since November 2010 I had been suffering from severe tinnitus a symptom from acoustic shock caused by an industrial accident when I was exposed to an acoustic blast from an electrical circuit breaker.  

The screaming banshees and associated sounds taunted me and haunted me. 

They were relentless and were with me constantly twenty four seven. 

Day and night a man tormented and suffering to come to terms and to accept the condition. 

It took me to 2016 to really start to manage the condition in which by this time I had started to help others.  

As I explained to other suffers, tinnitus is invisible if I had lost a leg people would understand the anxiety and depression that would go with that disability. 

My life changed in 2015 when at the time I was facing redundancy, I suspected my wife was having an affair, my father had cancer and combined with the tinnitus my mind became overloaded and fueled with anxiety, depression, I questioned my existence.  

In regards to the tinnitus I had always explained to my consultant that I was worried when asked how I was coping. 

I explained that I was afraid that I felt that I was on a slide and now and again I would slip and slide down.  

Somehow I would manage to stop my decent by grabbing the sides of the slide. 

If possible I would be able to drag and wiggle my way back up the slide.